Horse-Clock Horse-Clock

Impeccable Breeding, Exquisite Craftsmanship.

Welcome to the Home-Page of Horse-Clocks on the World Wide-Web.

Here you can enjoy many of the great Horse-Clocks range of Horse and Clocks. Why not linger a While, and contemplate the Passage of our world's remaining Time with the stately elegance of a one-of-a-Kind Horse-Clock in your Estate.

Notice: During your Session, Please do not depress the Back Button, as this arouses the malevolent Time Spirits.

Proud · Samson

A clear, highly-legible clock face mounted into a sturdy, reliable Arabian stallion base system. A safe pair of fetlocks for your everyday time-divination requirements and your most fevered of neurotrophin-induced sex dreams. Proud Samson endures.

— Horse-Clock's Choice! —


The · Vitruvian

A dual-face ceramic clock Assembly supported on the flanks of a placid, steadfast palomino colt immobilised by the finest Nerve clamps. Ideal starter clock for beginners and children. 14 hands.

— Best Seller —

The · Godfather

An imposing full-stature Grandfather Horse, unique upright-twisted bolt-reinforced withers for stability. Every hour, emits an attractive whinny. Pendulum requires cleaning twice-yearly to avoid sebum buildup. 15 hands. Tidy.

— Limited Time Offer —

The · Discus

A sorrel yearling, broken, dissected and Hollowed through centripetal persuasion to accommodate a sizable clock Face. Features Alarm function to ensure you wake up in the blood gloom of the Morning with a gentle friendly retort. Note: occasional skeletal cracking may be audible as Horse settles. Comes with adjustable pronouns.

— Top-Rated ★★★★★ —

Big · Ben

Our flagship Maxi-size horse, designed for public clock tower mounting and famously deployed by Westminster council as a replacement following the British Emasculation. Emanates intensely palpable hostility in a forty-kilometre radius, as a Deterrent to immigrants. Also can tell the time.

— Not Available to Customers under 24 —

Cuckoo · Heart

A constellation of miniature clocks visible from all Angles crowns this practical Shetland pedestal. On the hour, a Mechanism in the thoracic Cavity opens the pony's obscured cuckoo-housing to extend the filigree cardiac Cage and display to the discriminating viewer the metabolically-slowed beating of the wretched beast's imprisoned heart.

— 30% off Arbitrary Recommended Price —

Pocket · Pony

A major advancement in equine miniaturisation by Chronos Stables Laboratories' horse-trimming scientists. The essential bodily elements and most of the mind of a Falabella foal are Condensed and packed into a regular-sized portable pocket watch form factor, for when you need a horse-based time-measuring Apparatus on the go.

— Order Before 13:00C for Next-Life Delivery —

Bone · Spirit

A doleful, mourning presence for any inconveniently-exuberant chamber. Horse-Clock's original dapple grey fleshless model in a limited-edition anniversary commemorative rework with a free monographed Razor Bridle and a lifetime guarantee, for what that's worth now.

— 44 Customers are Looking at this Horse —

The · Jetsetter

An ideal gift for the international Businessman, this powerful wall-hung bay gelding runs concentric clock faces showing the time in up to three locales concurrently. But how can it be different times in different places? Nobody knows. That is the mystery of timezones.

— Offer expires in 10:00

Dread · Steed

The Dread Steed is a formidable Horse-Clock of the highest performance, for the demanding Chronologer with a strong constitution. Powered by ultra-accurate gold-leaf spirit beams sensing the deathly turning of the Denizen of the black pyramid dimension. Note: if a red glow is be visible behind the eyes this signifies the ultimate approach of the Denizen and the end of all life on Earth. Experts advise running.

— Hurry! Low Stock —

The · Flayed · Filly

With all skin removed for greater aerodynamic Torque, this eye-catching timepiece features remarkable tendon work and a clock face that follows you around the room. Due to risk of Overload, must always be accompanied by qualified chaperone shade elder.

— Free delivery to Unconsecrated Premises only —

The · Presence

The post-fatal Shadow of a Horse-Clock kept operational and aged for at least 40 years, tethered to the mundane Realm by the thaumatic energy of prolonged terminal Trauma. With no physical footprint, The Presence announces the current time by psychic sympathy, and must be remembered weekly to avoid accidental loss from dimensional Slippage.

— Buy Now before this Product Class is Prohibited —

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